Monday, December 19, 2005
My Personal Hell
People who drive with their blinker on
Circle I Limbo
Virginia Lacrosse fans
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind
Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow
People who push strollers side-by-side
Circle IV Rolling Weights
People scream into cell phones while they wait in line
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled
People who send spam
Circle VI Buried for Eternity
The New York Yankees
Circle VII Burning Sands
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement
Osama bin Laden
Circle IX Frozen in Ice
Monday, November 28, 2005
As Jaq put it:
"Very suddenly, and very peacefully, Little Quinn passed away this morning.
It is sunny and warm in Buffalo today -- but not for us."
Our hearts go out to Jaquandor, his wife, and daughter at this time of terrible grief.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Now that summer is officially over...
Just received the plans for my yacht!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
AT LAST, A PAINLESS WAY TO END THE OIL CRISIS!
A German inventor says he's found a way to make cheap diesel fuel out of dead cats.
Dr Christian Koch, 55, from Kleinhartmannsdorf, said his method uses old tyres, weeds and animal cadavers.
They are heated up to 300 Celsius to filter out hydrocarbon which is then turned into diesel by a catalytic converter.
He said the resulting 'high quality bio-diesel' costs just 15 pence per litre.
Koch said the cadaver of a fully grown cat can produce 2.5 litres of fuel - meaning around 20 cats are needed for a full tank.
He said: 'I tank my car with my own diesel mixture and have driven it for 105,000 miles without any problems.'
Annelise Krauss of the Dresden Animal Protection Association blasted Koch's new diesel though, saying: 'This is as bad as experimenting on animals.'"
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
The Administration and the Fury If William Faulkner were writing on the Bush White House By Sam Apple
Down the hall, under the chandelier, I could see them talking. They were walking toward me and Dick's face was white, and he stopped and gave a piece of paper to Rummy, and Rummy looked at the piece of paper and shook his head. He gave the paper back to Dick and Dick shook his head. They disappeared and then they were standing right next to me.
"Georgie is going to walk down to the Oval Office with me," Dick said.
"I just hope you got him all good and ready this time," Rummy said.
"Hush now,"Dick said. "This aint no laughing matter. He know lot more than folks think." Dick patted me on the back good and hard. "Come on now, Georgie," Dick said. "Never mind you, Rummy."
We walked down steps to the office. There were paintings of old people on the walls and the room was round like a circle and Condi was sitting on my desk. Her legs were crossed.
"Did you get him ready for the press conference?" Dick said.
"Dont you worry about him. He ll be ready," Condi said. Condi stood up from the desk. Her legs were long and she smelled like the Xeroxed copies of the information packets they give me each day.
"Hello Georgie,"Condi said. "Did you come to see Condi?" Condi rubbed my hair and it tickled.
"Don't go messing up his hair," Dick said. "He's got a press conference in a few minutes."
Condi wiped some spit on her hand and patted down my hair. Her hand was soft and she smelled like Xerox copies coming right out of the machine. "He looks just fine,"Condi said.
"Fine day, isn t it, Georgie," Daddy said. Daddy was pitching horseshoes. Horseshoes flew through the air and it was hot. Jeb looked at me. "Stand back or one of his horseshoes is going to hit you and knock you down real good," Jeb said. Jeb threw the horseshoe and it went right over the stick and Daddy clapped. "Run and get me that horseshoe, Georgie," Daddy said. I ran and picked up the horseshoe. The metal was hot in my hands, and I held it for a little bit and then I dropped it. I picked it up. It was hot in my hands and I started running away from Daddy and Jeb. "Come back with that horseshoe," Daddy said. I was running as fast as I could. "Jeb run after him and get me my horseshoe before he throws another one in the river," Daddy hollered. Jeb was chasing after me fast. "Come back with that horseshoe, Georgie," Jeb hollered. But I was fast and I kept running until I got to the river. "Don't you dare throw that horseshoe in the river," Jeb said. I threw the horseshoe in the river. Jeb fell on the ground. Jeb kicked and cried and then I cried.
"He needs his makeup," Dick said.
"I ll do it," Condi said. She put a little brush on my check and it tickled and I laughed.
Rummy walked into the room. "Jesus, what's he laughing about?" Rummy said.
"Don't you pay attention to him, Georgie," Dick said. "They' re going to be asking you all about Social Security. You just remember what we talked about."
"He cant remember anything," Rummy said.
I started to holler. Dick's face was red and he looked at Rummy. "I told you to hush up already," Dick said. "Now look what you ve gone and done."
Go and get him Saddam' s gun, Condi said. You know how he likes to hold it.
Dick went to my desk drawer and took out Saddam's gun. He gave it to me, and it was hot in my hands. Rummy pulled the gun away.
"Do you want him carrying a gun into the press conference?" Rummy said. "Can't you think any better than he can?"
I was hollering and Dick was turning red and then white and the room was tilted.
"You give him that gun back, right this minute," Condi said. Rummy gave me Saddam's gun back and I held it my hands. It was hot like a horseshoe.
"You got the gun, now you stop that hollering," Rummy said.
Condi patted me on the back. "It sure is hot in here," she said. She fanned herself and took off her jacket. She smelled like perfume.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Red vs. Blue (Jays)
Thursday, June 16, 2005
More Cat Poop!
The cat parasite toxoplasmosis gondii may affect human personality:
THEY may look like lovable pets but Britain's estimated 9m domestic cats are being blamed by scientists for infecting up to half the population with a parasite that can alter people�s personalities.The startling figures emerge from studies into toxoplasma gondii, a parasite carried by almost all the country's feline population.
They show that half of Britain's human population carry the parasite in their brains, and that infected people may undergo slow but crucial changes in their behaviour.
The study into more subtle changes in human personality is being carried out by Professor Jaroslav Flegr of Charles University in Prague. In one study he subjected more than 300 volunteers to personality profiling while also testing them for toxoplasma.
He found the women infected with toxoplasma spent more money on clothes and were consistently rated as more attractive. "We found they were more easy-going, more warm-hearted, had more friends and cared more about how they looked," he said. "However, they were also less trustworthy and had more relationships with men." [Sunday Times]"
THE STUDY WAS PROBABLY FUNDED BY TARGET!