Thursday, January 27, 2005


God Hates Shrimp!

Our brand new Secretary Of Education has declared jihad on PBS, in general, and Buster Bunny, in particular.

The nation's new education secretary denounced PBS on Tuesday for spending public money on a cartoon with lesbian characters, saying many parents would not want children exposed to such lifestyles.
The not-yet-aired episode of ``Postcards From Buster'' shows the title character, an animated bunny named Buster, on a trip to Vermont -- a state known for recognizing same-sex civil unions. The episode features two lesbian couples, although the focus is on farm life and maple sugaring.

If you want to check out this outrageous lesbian scene click here:
[NOTE: Due to the hot nature of this scene PBS has removed it from its website]

This pisses me off. I've been after PBS and the other networks to stop showing forbidden seafood on the public airwaves. Those Red Lobster commercials with their flogging of "Lobster Fest" offend me. The fact that the networks have shown the immoral Forrest Gump with its glorification of shrimp and shrimp fishing utterly disgusts me. We know God hates shrimp! As God has clearly said in Deuteronomy 14:9-10:

"Whatsoever hath not fins and scales ye may not eat; it is unclean unto you. "

I think that we need a new cabinet position: the Department of Biblical Interpretation. There is controversy between our fundamentalist Christian brethren and the orthodox Jewish heathens as to the morality of showing cheeseburgers on McDonald's commercials. There seems to be controversy between our Amish brethren and some other Christians as to the morality of depicting actual full-frontal automobile driving on network television. It will be the mission of the Department of Biblical Interpretation to determine which of the many prohibitions enunciated by God in Deuteronomy and Leviticus are in full force and effect and advise the F.C.C. as to what cannot be depicted on television. It is of paramount importance that we create this department quickly as something called the "Super Bowl" is scheduled for the Christian Sabbath on February 6. Some might find it offensive for such blatant Sabbath-breaking to be shown on the public airwaves.

On the contrary, the Super Bowl is an OPPORTUNITY TO PREACH-- it is, as one professor at Whittier College deemed it twenty years ago-- a Religious Festival:

As a sporting event, the Super Bowl represents the season’s culmination of a major American game. As a popular spectacle, it encourages endorsement by politicians and incorporates elements of nationalism. And as a cultural festival, it commands vast allegiance while dramatizing and reinforcing the religious myths of national innocence and apotheosis.

See, "The Super Bowl as Religious Festival," by Joseph L. Price (Christian Century, February 1984).

So, the newly established Department would have to give the Super Bowl a pass, along with NASCAR, which has led the way in blending religion and sports-- just look at last year's Car No. 18-- "The Passion of the Christ" Chevrolet driven by Bobby LaBonte. But when we get to baseball, that's another matter entirely--
You forget that Baseball is a religion. As St. Annie Savoy (Susan Sarandon) said in "Bull Durham": I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring... which makes it like sex. There's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250... not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I've got a ballplayer alone, I'll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. 'Course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. 'Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of baseball -- now who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God's sake? It's a long season and you gotta trust. I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball.
Of course it's a religion--look at the faith displayed by the Redsox Nation.
Have you ordered the t-shirt yet?
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